A Therapist’s Perspective on Limits, Regulation, and Trust
As a therapist, I often hear parents share struggles they face when setting boundaries with their children. Oftentimes, their children’s behavior gets even more adversarial when boundaries are introduced. Understandably, they wonder: if parenting is effective, shouldn’t my child’s behavior improve quickly?
Clinically, the opposite is often true. Effective parenting—especially with emotionally sensitive or stressed children—frequently intensifies behavior before it improves it.
A brief scene from Building the Bonds of Attachment, by Daniel Hughes, captures this dynamic clearly and offers an important lesson for parents.
The Story of Katie and Her Foster Mother
Six-year-old Katie has just arrived at a new foster home after several previous placements. During her first snack, her foster mother, Jackie, explains that snacks in the house consist of crackers and milk or fruit—no cookies.
Katie insists that she wants cookies and becomes upset when told that there aren’t any. She then kicks the table and spills the milk. When she asks for more milk, Jackie calmly says no and explains why. Katie escalates, throwing crackers, screaming, and attempting to kick Jackie. Jackie stays calm, removes the food to prevent further throwing, blocks the kicking, and gently comments that Katie must be feeling very angry. She names the anger without shaming Katie.
When another adult enters the room, Katie yells that she hates Jackie and wants to return to her previous foster home. Jackie remains calm and validates Katie’s feelings. She says, “Katie’s afraid that I might be the worst mom she ever had. This must be so hard for her.” Jackie then tells Katie that she can understand why Katie says she hates her and wants to leave. It’s upsetting to not get what you want.
Always remaining calm, Jackie explains to Katie that she wants to be honest with her about rules in the new house — she doesn’t want Katie to expect cookies, when cookies are not available for snack. Jackie does not waver, negotiate, or change her rule. She makes it clear to Katie that the boundary remains and that she, as the parent, is still in charge. And she can handle both setting the rules and validating Katie’s feelings about it. She says to Katie, “I know you might not believe me, but I can promise you that you’ll be safe no matter how mad you get at me.”
Understanding Child Behavior Through a Trauma-Informed Lens
From a behavioral perspective, Katie’s reaction could be labeled defiance. From a trauma-informed, therapeutic perspective, it represents a stress response.
Children who have experienced repeated disruptions, inconsistent caregiving, or early loss often experience limits as threats. A simple “no” can activate fear rooted in implicit memory—memories that exist in the body rather than in conscious thought. Katie’s nervous system is not responding to crackers and milk; it is responding to what limits have meant in her past.
In this context, behavior is not willful misbehavior.
Behavior is communication.
Why Emotional Regulation Is the Core of Effective Parenting
What stands out clinically in this interaction is not Katie’s emotional dysregulation, but the foster mom’s regulation — her energy is consistently calm.
Jackie does not attempt to control Katie’s emotions or reason her out of them. She does not punish, threaten, or withdraw. Instead, she remains calm, names Katie’s feelings, holds the boundary, and intervenes only to keep everyone safe.
From an attachment-based perspective, this is co-regulation. The adult provides a steady nervous system when the child cannot. Over time, this is how children learn to regulate themselves.
Children learn emotional regulation through relationships, not rules alone.
Why Consistent Boundaries Can Increase Emotional Outbursts
Many parents feel discouraged when behavior worsens after they become more consistent. Clinically, this is not at all surprising. In fact, it is expected.
Children who have lived with unpredictability do not trust limits right away. To test if they’re really safe, they push back to see if the caregiver will remain calm and emotionally present, even when they misbehave.
When limits stay consistent and the relationship remains a caring, loving one, the child feels safe.
Effective parenting is about remaining connected during distress.
Applying Trauma-Informed Parenting Strategies at Home
The push-pull dynamic around rule-setting is common in all parenting situations, like:
- Toddlers melting down over transitions.
- Children reacting explosively to “no.”
- Pre-teens refusing to follow directions.
- Adolescents responding with anger or withdrawal.
If the parent caves under pressure, the child learns that their world is still unstable. The caregiver either can’t handle the kid’s emotions or is not confident in what he or she is doing.
The best parenting approach is mindful of two important factors: emotional connection and consistency. In practice, this means:
- Acknowledge the emotion without minimizing it.
- Maintain the boundary without negotiating under emotional pressure.
- Show confidence that you are making the best decision you can for your child.
- Remember that you’re offering guidance, not punishment.
- Stay physically and emotionally present.
This teaches children that emotions are tolerable and that relationships are stable—even when feelings are intense.
The Long-Term Benefits of Attachment-Based Parenting
From a developmental perspective, children do not develop self-regulation by being controlled. They develop it through repeated experiences of dysregulation followed by repair.
Over time, this approach supports:
- Emotional resilience
- Secure attachment
- Trust in caregivers
- Internalized self-control
Although this style of parenting requires patience and emotional endurance, it supports healthier long-term outcomes than strategies focused solely on compliance.
A Clinical Reframe for Parents
If your child becomes angrier when you stay calm and consistent, it does not necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. It may mean your child is testing whether your care is reliable.
Effective parenting does not eliminate big emotions. It teaches children that big emotions do not cost them the relationship with their caregiver.