In his poem, Song of Myself, American poet Walt Whitman wrote:
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
It is this idea that is fundamental to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy — we all contain multitudes!
Introduction
Many people experience themselves as internally conflicted. One part wants closeness, another wants distance; one part is confident, another feels ashamed or afraid. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is built on the idea that this is not a flaw, but a natural structure of the human mind.
If you think about it, we all find ourselves having internal debates. For example, a part of you wants pizza for dinner, but another part has decided to stay away from starchy foods after 3:00pm. Or, a part of you wants to see your friends, but another part feels too anxious to leave the house.
More often than not, there are multiple parts of ourselves pulling us in different directions. A classic example of this, and what often brings people to therapy, is an inner conflict between behaving a certain way and wanting to stop that behavior.
For example, a person might avoid going out due to anxiety while also really wanting to go out. Or one might become overwhelmed with anger and get into arguments with people while also wanting to get along and be a calm person. In the case of addictive behaviors, a person both wants to stop the addictive behavior and won’t stop doing the things that keep the habit going.
All of those instances can be seen as inner conflicts between various parts of oneself.
The beginnings of IFS
Through listening to dozens and dozens of stories, Dr. Richard Schwartz, a trained family therapist, began to notice that people’s inner debates sometimes sounded just like the family arguments where different family members are stuck in specific roles. He saw people learn skills and practice them, only to get in their own way. He heard people’s harsh self-criticism while they also engaged in the behaviors for which they felt such guilt. And he started to wonder — is there a new way to understand these inner conflicts that would lead to some internal harmony? Can people’s inner parts be relieved of rigid roles?
Following this new insight, Dr. Schwartz began to create a therapeutic modality that would allow people to get to know their inner worlds on a deeper level. Many family dynamics become healthier when people recognize each-other’s vulnerabilities and good intentions. In a similar way, getting to truly know and understand each part of yourself opens the path for healing. Almost always, parts that cause negative behaviors and parts that are self-critical don’t really enjoy having those roles. They just usually feel stuck.
Using IFS, you would understand not just what your parts are doing but also why they keep doing things that don’t work or that are even bad for you.
How does IFS therapy work?
IFS therapy follows a general process rather than a rigid script.
An IFS therapist will gently guide you to tune into your inner world and start to notice your internal experience. This in itself can be powerful but also a bit scary in the beginning. An IFS therapist will know how to create safety and make this process comfortable and productive. Focusing on various emotions, thoughts, body sensations the therapist will guide you to identify parts of yourself that carry those feelings or experiences. When feeling anxiety, you would start to notice which part, or parts, carry anxiety.
Next, the therapist helps the person approach that part with curiosity rather than judgment. This allows the part to reveal what it fears, what it wants, and what it has been trying to protect the person from. To do this, we start with the Self.
The Self
In IFS therapy, we believe that everyone has what Dr. Schwartz named Self with a capital “S.” Self has boundless healing capacity as demonstrated by certain qualities, to which we refer as “C words” since they all begin with the letter “c.”
Below is a list of these qualities:
- Calmness
- Curiosity
- Compassion
- Confidence
- Courage
- Clarity
- Connectedness
- Creativity
Self also can be described by certain “P words.” These are:
The Self accepts all parts of oneself as good and worthy of compassion.
- Presence
- Perspective
- Patience
- Persistence
- Playfulness
Whenever you find yourself in a state that embodies these qualities, you are feeling Self energy. And when we approach all the parts from a place of this Self energy, parts can begin to heal.
The Parts
In spite of our best efforts and intentions, we can become overwhelmed by parts of ourselves that sometimes take on extreme roles. This is especially true for people who have experienced disruptions or traumas early in life. When faced with severe stressors at a time when we’re still learning about the world, instead of developing a calm, confident, compassionate Self, we might become overwhelmed by parts that try to cope in the best way they can, usually following the example of an authority figure. If that authority figure is not demonstrating Self energy, a young person won’t learn how to do so.
It is the nature of human existence that we face potentially traumatic events. We have all experienced “little-t” traumas and many people have experienced quite awful “Big-T” traumas. These experiences can give rise to ‘extreme’ parts — parts that become so overwhelmed with emotion or so stuck in certain behaviors that they affect our lives negatively.
Dr. Schwartz categorized parts in three types: Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles. Usually, these parts are “stuck” in a certain role or carrying a certain mental/emotional burden. And this stuck-ness creates suffering or at the very least discomfort.
Though these labels give some guidance and a starting framework, most IFS therapists don’t get stuck in the labels, especially since these labels don’t resonate with everyone. For the purposes of this blog, I’ll use those terms, but you and your therapist will choose the descriptions that make sense for you.
The Self accepts all parts as good and worthy of compassion.
Exiled parts
What happens in response to trauma is that we “exile” parts of ourselves that we don’t know how to deal with or that we find unacceptable.
Here is an example of an Exile
A part that is very sad can be an Exile. This often happens for people who grow up in a family where being sad is unacceptable. If something hurts your feelings or makes you unhappy, in that environment you learn that you should “get over it” or “stop whining.” You might have been given the message that it’s weak to cry.
As a result, when you felt sad, you had to learn pretty quickly to hide it and not show it to anyone. If you showed it, you might be ignored, ridiculed, criticized, or punished. None of these feel good, so it feels safer to just pretend not to get sad.
The part that still holds that sadness, becomes an Exile. It gets locked away and then becomes hidden, to the point that even you yourself are no longer aware of it. There are many times when people say that they simply “don’t let things bother them” or “don’t feel sorry for themselves.” But sad part still feels sadness — it is just hidden away and ignored because it is seen as unacceptable.
Managers and Firefighters
It takes work to hide the Exiles. These parts hold some big feelings and the feelings get stuck if we don’t express them. And, we still have to go through our daily lives, go to school, have jobs, interact with people, and so on. To help us manage all that, parts of us become Managers or Firefighters and help us cope with day-to-day life.
Managers
An example of a Manager is a perfectionist part. That part works hard to make no mistakes so that there will never be any criticism or rejection, which could trigger feelings of sadness, fear, shame, or guilt. Then, the picture you are showing to the world is that of a person who has it all together and is not ‘weak’ or sad.
Another example of a Manager is a part that criticizes you. That part keeps reminding you that you’re screwing up all the time so that you are prepared for any criticism from the outside. If you are always putting yourself down, you already don’t expect to be praised or accepted. This way, you’re not at risk of being hurt and possibly feeling sad.
A part that develops an addiction, of any kind (alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, etc.) can also be a Manager. That part works hard to keep you looking away from any pain or distress. And of course, the more the addictive Manager takes over, the more reason you have to use that Manager because feelings of guilt and shame grow in the background. And there are more Exiled parts that you’re trying to look away from. So the addicted part stays active, often for years.
Firefighters
Along with Managers, Firefighters are considered protective parts. Unlike Managers, Firefighters react very quickly and often can get extreme.
A Firefighter part responds to something that feels like an emergency. It comes up when it seems like the Exiled part will overwhelm you and break through the “put together” exterior. Firefighter parts often lose track of consequences and act before thinking. These parts’ main focus is on “extinguishing” the pain, fear, or distress you’re feeling.
An example of a Firefighter is a part with explosive anger. Someone who is afraid of being seen as vulnerable or weak, might become overwhelmed if someone says or does something that makes them feel vulnerable. If that sadness starts to feel close or if they notice inner shame associated with sadness, the angry firefighter part will do everything necessary to distract from it. So, that person might become angry and maybe even destructive.
Most of the time, in the aftermath of the anger, the person doesn’t feel good. Other parts judge the anger and of course society does too. The person might be coming to therapy specifically because they have “anger issues” and they want to get rid of the anger. But, before getting rid of the anger, we have to understand the role that this angry part is playing. Once we see how important the anger is for keeping sadness at bay, we realize that we have to heal the part that holds sadness before the angry part can give up its job.
Goals of IFS therapy
Through IFS therapy, we slowly and gently get to know all the different parts, with no judgment towards any of them. There are no bad parts — even parts that seem to do ‘bad’ things or that seem to cause you problems have good intentions.
There are times when people want to just ‘extinguish’ or ‘get rid of’ parts of themselves that seem problematic. Someone who is seeking therapy for anger might want to just gain coping skills so that they don’t get angry anymore. However, this often means trying to squash the angry part, and it often backfires.
Every part of you has good intentions. Every part wants to reduce suffering and increase joy. Bringing in Self energy, with the guidance of a skilled therapist, you will slow down and realize that every single part has a story and a reason for its behavior. And every part that is doing an extreme behavior will give up that behavior when the real need for that behavior is gone.
Final thoughts
IFS therapy offers a compassionate, structured way to understand emotional life and heal inner wounds.
For people who feel stuck in patterns of anxiety, shame, or internal conflict, IFS provides a way forward that leads to true healing. It is beyond just coping and using skills. It unloads inner burdens so that healthy behaviors don’t feel like coping skills — they just feel good.
If you’re seeking not just symptom relief but a healthier relationship with yourself, give IFS therapy a try!
IFS Therapy at Liljana’s Practice
At Liljana’s Practice, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is offered as a gentle, trauma-informed way to help you understand yourself with more compassion and less self-judgment. Our clinicians use IFS to support adults and couples who feel emotionally overwhelmed, disconnected, or stuck in painful patterns. Sessions are available online for clients in Connecticut, Georgia, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island, and are always approached with cultural sensitivity, emotional safety, and deep respect for your lived experience. If you’re looking for therapy that feels human, relational, and truly attuned not clinical or rushed this is the space where healing can begin.